Party in Bratislava, Wake Up in Zurich

2017, My first summer in Europe. I was playing in the Swiss league and we had been in a Federations Cup qualifier in Bratislava late June. Our team was cruising and we had made it to the finals against the hometown hosts Apollo Bratislava. In this game we finally ran out of steam and played our way out of it, losing something like 7-3. It was a disappointing loss, nobody played well, but it was hell of a run… but the great part about these international tournaments, in addition to, I guess what people call SATURDAY, we were going to hit the town that night before heading back to Switzerland early Sunday morning. Win or lose, we booze.

Early afternoon after our loss, still drinking beers at the field soaking up our defeat while the home team winners are still cleaning the field… I believe our team became crowd favorites because we would dance to all the BP music every game. I was hitting fungos during BP throughout the week and putting on a show for the crowd. Dropping it low, girrating the hips, and the quick footwork, I don’t think any Slovakian has ever seen moves like this. They were playing everything from Bruno Mars to Russian hip hop…. Russian hip hop was my favorite. (just type these words into youtube and you cannot miss it - party maker diskoteka ). This song would become the theme song of the week.

If any of you know a bit about some eastern European countries, they have some special drinks of choice varying by country. Poland may be known for their Vodka, but Slovakia is known for a drink called Slivovitz. It is kind of a brandy made from plums, and it is absolute rocket fuel. Every day during the week-long tournament, we made it a point after our games to go to a new watering hole around the city and just take one shot of this beautiful local grog. The best bar we found in our short time was the one just past the fence in right field. Maybe it was the proximity to our business that made it the best, but I do not know how that quaint bar stayed open besides our business.

After we were done crushing our beers of defeat and dancing to PartyMaker shaker-shaker Diskoteka, we left the field heading back to the hotel before going to our last big team dinner in Slovakia. We continued to crush beers at the hotel, until somebody was ready to bring out the big boy. Somehow, one of my teammates bought a massive bottle of Slivovitz called Ron DeJeremy. Yes it had a picture of Ron Jeremy’s ugly mug on it, yes it was ‘DeJeremy’ instead of Jeremy, and yes it was rocket fuel. We all take a few shots before heading to dinner.

We go to a classic Slovak eatery where they were serving up some good hearty meals. Pork Knuckles, Schnitzels, their version of dumplings and peirogi’s, any type of assorted salty meat and savory potatoes. Beers are being thrown around, yelling, laughing, singing Russian hip hop, until somebody brings in another bottle of Slivovitz. We all start passing it around. Eventually one of the young players ends up getting too drunk and falls asleep at the restaurant table. Our coach takes him home and then the real trouble begins.

At this point after a big meal and a decent amount of libations, the rest of our crew kicks on to a bar close by- minus our sleeping player and coach, and maybe one or two who bowed out. After a little bar crawl of only two divey places, we end up at a strip club. With about 8 of us left, we all walk in and head to the main lounge room. There were neon lights, mirrors, and secret passageways. It was an absolute fun house you can find at any fair or amusement park, just add gorgeous eastern european women that are half naked. As we are all sitting down continuing to howl at the moon, I could honestly say nobody in our group was that wasted. We were all pretty coherent, having fun and nobody was even remotely sloppy. That would change in a matter of minutes.

As 6 beautiful Slovakian women approach our group wearing the sexiest little skin tight lingerie, they start to tell us what they have to offer. 20 Euros all you can drink, and then we can work on the dances. That was a no brainer. Bottled beers all night and we would be safe right? As soon as we all agreed, two girls at a time started picking off each of our teammates, taking them to these back rooms where lord knows what was going on. Every 3 seconds a new heavy red velvet drape was being opened and strippers were flying out like a swarm of bees. The Fun-House vibe was in full affect. I was the third guy to get taken by both hands into a room not too far from the lounge area just in sight of the bar but private enough. I sit down and before I know it, two chicks are forcing two shots down my throat without a chance for me to even breathe. In a matter of minutes/seconds, who knows, I was spinning. Maybe I was sitting there by myself paralyzed, maybe these girls were performing the duty, I had no idea. My lights were dim but no one was home. The next thing I remember I was standing at the bar with these two strippers speechless and I could barely stand, they were ripping through my wallet trying to charge my card. I could not speak, I was swaying around and my vision was similar to looking through a kaleidoscope, basically a sack of potatoes. I have the slightest recollection of my teammate coming to save me at the bar with these two soon-to-be-babooshka’s demanding money and the bartender ready to kill me. After this scene, I went numb. Next thing I know, I woke up in Zurich at my host family’s house in my bed.

WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED.

I had no phone, just my wallet and passport. I had bruises all over my knees and underarms, raspberries all over my forearms. I felt like I went 12 rounds with the Heavyweight Champ. For all I knew, I was dragged from Slovakia to Switzerland. From 3am in Bratislava, to 2 pm in Zurich the next day, I was not alive. Roofies.

I woke up with the worst hangover of my life.This was no ordinary hangover. I was trying to piece everything back together. I did not remember leaving the club the night before. Our flight was at 9:30 am back to Zurich. My bag was still packed and untouched right next to my bed. I decided to get on my computer to reach out to my teammate who I roomed with in Bratislava. He told me that he and another teammate left the club for another bar because they had no idea where everybody went, and decided to walk past it on their way back to the hotel. They found my lifeless body at the entrance of the strip club next to the bouncer. I had no shirt on, my soles were out of my shoes, and my pants were unbuttoned (for some reason, I decided to free ball it that night). They had to drag me out of there and got me into a cab. Hence the bruises on my underarms and knees and elbows from dropping me so much.

We found out that at least 3 of our other teammates got drugged that night. One guy lost 600 Franc at the club, and almost got beaten up by a taxi driver for not being able to pay his fare back to the hotel. Our team trainer had to come down to the lobby at 4:30 am to pay his fare. Another guy was puking all the way to the airport. Both of them do not remember going to the airport or flying home either. I looked at my card statement and I had 3 charges made at this place, two of them were declined for 800 USD and one was approved for 950 USD. I really wonder if I signed off on that…. I never saw the money again. I followed up with my bank and they ended up receiving a document from the establishment with a receipt of me spending the money there. At the same time, I tried to email the establishment and they never got back to me about my lost phone. GOT GOT

A couple days later, the teammate that tried to save me at the club bar, helped drag my ass back to the hotel, packed my bags, and got me down to the lobby to go to the airport in time- showed me a picture straight out of the movie The Hangover. It was my dead body hunched over while both of my teammates were dancing on me, the bouncer had his arm around me with a pistol held to my head. The real mystery is who took the damn picture.